Second Chances
by Detective Olivia Stabler
Summary: Liv & El decide that taking a chance at a relationship is a bad idea. But the results of their one amazing night together are evident 8 weeks later when the stick turns blue. Will the result of their union be the one thing that tears them apart forever?
1. 1 Back To The Beginning

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE: No Kathy or Stabler kids in this one! Just EO and the trouble they manage to get themselves into! ;oP**_

_Second Chances_

_(Chapter One: Back To The Beginning)_

Olivia laid in bed alone trying so hard to sleep. Instead she stared up at the ceiling in the darkness and began to think of all of the things she had done to screw her life up. But this time, it wasn't her life that she had managed to destroy, she thought as she placed her palm against the swollen bulge of her belly to feel her unborn child kicking inside.

As hard as the decision to give the baby up had been on her, Olivia was sure it was the only way to give this child the life it deserved. Keeping the baby would just be selfish and she was in no way ready to be a mother. But that didn't make the choice any easier.

For almost six months now, this little person had been growing inside of her. For almost six months he or she belonged to her and she was a mother. And in just over three months she would give birth and hand this child off to strangers to raise.

Olivia knew it was going to be the hardest thing she would ever do, but in her heart she felt it was the best decision for her child. She hadn't meant to get pregnant, that one night so long ago. She hadn't even meant to have sex for that matter. And if she had known that the events of that night would bring her here, she would have been a lot more careful to make sure _it_ never happened.

_**Twenty Five Weeks Earlier….**_

Olivia sat at the table sipping red wine as the piano player played a familiar tune.

"This place is nice," she agreed as the waiter sat their food on the table in front of them.

"I told you," he said with a smile.

Olivia smiled nervously as she picked up her knife and fork and began to cut her salmon.

"This is really good," she said chasing the first bite of her dinner with another sip of wine.

"We have waited so long for a first official date, I thought I should make it a memorable one."

Olivia smiled.

"It sounds odd….to say that you and I are on a date, I mean."

"I'm sure we will get used to it," he said watching the sparkle in her eyes as she took another bite of her food. "I thought after dinner we could do a little dancing," he said pointing to the dance floor across the room.

"Dancing?"

"You don't like dancing?"

"Oh, I do. There just aren't many men out there who like to anymore."

"I'm not like many other men."

"No," she said tipping her head to one side and smiling at him, "no, you're not. You are very different." She cleared her throat as she realized exactly what she had just said. "Different, in a good way I mean. You open car doors and pull out chairs. I thought chivalry was dead."

"It doesn't have to be. It never hurts for a gentleman to show manners when accompanied by a lady."

Olivia smiled again. Something about the way he called her a lady made her feel like the most important woman in the world.

After dinner they danced for a while. Elliot held her so tight against him that she felt as if they were made to fit together. Olivia had waited her entire life to feel this way. So safe and secure in the arms of a man she lo….cared about. It was really too soon to tell if it was love, she thought to herself. She had never really been in love before, but this was exactly how she always imagined it would feel.

Of course she had never dated a man she fully trusted before either, so it was hard to let her guard down long enough to tell if there was even a possibility of real love. A few of the relationships she had been in had actually managed to last a year or so, but even then she hadn't felt the way she felt right now.

After they left the restaurant, Elliot took her on a horse drawn carriage ride through Central Park. Olivia had lived in Manhattan her entire life and never been on of these rides. It was magical as the brisk fall air seemed to dance around them and Olivia nestled the side of her face against him as she smiled. Elliot put his jacket up around her shoulders to keep her warm and the twenty minute tour of the park seemed to last for hours.

That evening as Elliot walked her to her door, he held tight to her hand in the elevator and escorted her down the hallway. They stood there for a moment just staring into each other, unsure of what to say to end this perfect night.

Then something happened. It was like a spark of electricity ignited a fire between them as Elliot gently placed his fingertips against her cheek and raised her chin to kiss her lips. A soft sweet kiss suddenly grew more passionate and before long they were kissing and touching in places they had never been allowed to touch before.

Without a word, Olivia reached behind her and unlocked the apartment door. They backed inside and she tossed her keys and purse into the floor as they stumbled down the hallway in the darkness.

Before she knew it, her little black dress was crumpled in the floor next to Elliot's clothes. Olivia laughed playfully as Elliot kissed his way up her abdomen and her bra fell on the top of the underwear pile beside the bed. She smiled and brushed her nose against his as he stared into her eyes.

Elliot kissed her tenderly and before they knew it, they were making love. The sex was smoking hot, but it was much more than that. The way he looked at her, the way he touched her and kissed her, the way he made her feel like she was the only woman in the world, it was without a doubt the most incredible night of her life.

In the morning she woke still wrapped tightly in his strong arms. Olivia smile and sighed as Elliot kissed his way up the back of her shoulder and around the side of her neck. She rolled onto her back to look up at him and the sparkle in her eyes told him that she felt the same way he did.

She raised up and pressed her lips to his. Olivia smiled and smoothed her fingertips over his muscular chest and back. She kissed him passionately and Elliot raised up over her as they began to make love again.

They spent most of that Saturday morning in bed together making love between catnaps and it seemed as if they were the only two people in the world. All was well until later that afternoon when they were woke from their peaceful slumber by the ringing of a cell phone.

"Is that you or me?" Elliot groaned as Olivia raised up to look at her phone.

"It's mine. But I missed the call," she said as Elliot's phone began to ring.

Elliot sat up and kissed her as he reached around her to answer his phone.

"Stabler," he said pulling her back against the bed with him.

Olivia moaned softly and tried hard to resist laughing as he kissed a tender spot behind her ear.

"Yeah," Elliot said to their boss over the phone. "No, I saw her last night. Yeah, I can be there in about an hour. Alright. I'll swing by and pick Liv up on my way in."

Olivia pressed her forehead against his bare chest and laughed a muffled laugh.

"You have been a very bad girl," Elliot joked as he closed his phone and dropped it into the floor beside the bed.

Olivia laughed.

"Oh, I have, huh?"

"Yes. It seems Cragen has been unable to reach you to update you on the Tierney case."

"Well, I have been a little preoccupied," she said kissing his neck.

"Liv, baby, we don't have time."

Olivia stopped and smiled as she laid back against the bed. She had never liked for a guy to call her baby before. Yet somehow when Elliot did it, it felt good.

"I have to grab a shower and get by my apartment to change. I cant wear the same suit I wore yesterday, I'm sure if I did they would know something was up." Elliot kissed her shoulder as he climbed from the bed. Although, it would be nice if you wore that amazing little black dress to work."

Olivia smiled.

"You liked the dress, huh?"

"I loved the dress and everything in it."

Olivia smiled again.

"I'm gonna grab a quick shower and get dressed. We probably shouldn't go into work smelling like sex."

"Sweaty, hot, amazing sex."

"Yes, it was. But we can't take that into work. All hell would break loose."

"Liv, I was serious last night. This wasn't some one night thing for me. I really want to see you again."

"I'd like to see you again as well."

"And I don't just mean for sex. I want to date you. I want to finally be able to call you my girlfriend."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm crazy about you, Olivia."

Elliot watched as a big smile crossed her pretty face.

"I'm crazy about you, too."

Olivia showered and dressed quickly. At Elliot's apartment she made a pot of coffee and filled two travel cups while he showered.

"Hey, you made breakfast," Elliot said as he walked back into the kitchen where she waited.

"I did," she said with a smile.

Elliot kissed her tenderly as he took the mug from her hand.

"What was that for?" Olivia asked.

"A little thank you for the coffee."

Olivia laughed.

"Well, you'd better get it out of your system now. We can't walk around at work kissing on each other."

"It's a shame, isn't it? That would make for a much better work day."

"We're gonna be late."

That afternoon as Olivia sat at her desk filling out paperwork when a man arrived with a dozen roses.

"You got a new boyfriend we don't know about?" Munch asked from across the room.

"You don't have to know every little detail of my personal life, John."

Fin joked teasingly with her for a few minutes as he made his way to her desk. Olivia sat with a dreamy smile on her face as she twirled one of the roses in her hand as stared at Elliot. He watched her for a moment then turned to see the foolish look on Elliot's face as he stared back at her.

"They are from Elliot?" he asked tossing the unsigned card down in front of her.

"What?" Olivia asked in shock raising her eyes to stare at him.

He smiled and shook his head, he could tell by the guilty look in her eyes that his hunch was right.

"Relax, Olivia. I'm not gonna say anything. But if you don't wipe the drool off your chin and stop making googly eyes at him across the room it will only be a matter of seconds before everyone else figures it out. Then the shit will hit the fan. How far has it gone?"

"We have only been on one date," she said and he stared at her like he didn't believe her. "We're kind of dating."

"Dating or sleeping together?"

"Umm, both."

He sat down on the edge of her desk and blocked her view of Elliot.

"You know its against the rules?"

"Yes. But that's silly. Look Fin, I know what I'm doing. I have waited my entire life for a man to care about me the way that he does."

"I know you have. And I don't doubt that he genuinely cares for you."

"Then why the lecture?"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"You honestly think that Elliot would hurt me?"

"Not him, Liv. Things are all great and happy now, but you can only keep this relationship a secret for so long. And when the secret is out…." he paused as she stared at him.

"I know."

"Do you? Do you care for him enough that you are willing to let this relationship ruin your career?"

Olivia stared at him as the reality of the situation set in.

"I just want you to be happy, Liv. But I don't want you to go into this blinded by reality, either."

"You think I should break it off?"

"Absolutely not. I mean, if this is what makes you happy, then I fully support you. I just want you to be aware of the consequences when this all breaks loose. Even if it doesn't, how happy and normal can a relationship be if you have to keep it hidden and sneak around all of the time?"

"I care about him, Fin. I may even love him."

"I know you do."

"I appreciate your concern, Fin. But this is something that Elliot and I are going to have to deal with together."

Two days later as they sat on a late night steak out, Olivia found herself tangled in his arms. The were laid back in the front seat of the squad car kissing passionately and touching as they heard a tap on the fogged up window.

"Shit," she said as they sat up and she re-buttoned the top part of her blouse.

"Can I help…." Elliot began as he rolled down the window pausing as he sat face to face with his boss.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Cragen barked.

"She had something…."

"In her eye! I have heard that one before! Hell, I have even used it before! But while the two of you were rolling around half naked in the front seat of a patrol car, our suspect just slipped out unnoticed and could be half way across town after his next victim by now."

"We're on our way," Elliot said starting the car.

"No, your not. I've got Munch and Fin shadowing him. You're both off the case. Now get back to the station! I want to see you both in my office in twenty minutes!"

After being lectures for over an hour about the dangers of interoffice dating. Elliot drove Olivia home. The sat on her sofa for a little while discussing things. As hard as it was to walk away, that was exactly what they agreed to do.

Now, Olivia laid in bed and wondered how different things would have been, could have been if they had taken the chance at a relationship. She fixed herself a cup of warm milk and stared out the window into the city night as she sipped it from her favorite mug. She exhaled softly and smiled as she felt the baby moving inside of her.

"You are the only good thing that came of that night," she whispered softly.

She dropped her mug into the sink and headed back down the hall to the bedroom. Olivia yawned as she slid back under the blankets and drifted off to sleep.


	2. 2 Hurt

_Second Chances_

_(Chapter Two: Hurt)_

Olivia sat at a small table across from Casey as she picked at her salad.

"You're not hungry? Usually you are starved by now. If the salad is making you feel sick I can get the waiter and we can order something else."

"The salad is fine, Case. I'm just….really tired."

"Is that all? You kind of seem a little depressed."

"Maybe I am."

"Oh, why? If you tell me what's wrong, maybe I can help you fix it."

"What isn't wrong, Casey? My life is a train wreck. This pregnancy is exhausting and if that wasn't stressful enough, Cragen has now stuck me behind a desk until after I deliver."

"It's for your safety. And the baby's."

"It's to cover his ass. He is still pissy with me about the Elliot situation."

"How is that going?"

"It isn't. We barely speak anymore. He seems to have this fairytale idea stuck in his head that somehow we will end up raising this child together."

"But you don't think so?"

"Casey, I'm not keeping the baby."

Casey stared at her in silence with saddened eyes.

"Does Elliot know?"

"Yes, Elliot knows. That's why he won't talk to me. Well, he will, but only to try to tell me what a mistake I am making and how we can do this if we just stick together."

"Maybe he's right."

"I can't believe you just said that. I asked you here for support, I needed someone to talk to," Olivia said standing from her seat and grabbing her purse. "Not someone else who will judge me and tell me what a fool I am."

"Liv, I would never…." Casey reached out and grabbed her arm. "Look, I'm sorry. I am here for you. To listen and to understand. I'm not trying to judge you. Please sit back down."

Olivia stared at her with tears in her eyes. She raised her hand and wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Please?" Casey asked again.

Olivia laid her purse back on the table and sat back down in her chair.

"All I meant was that I think it will be really hard for you to carry this baby inside of you for nine months and then hand it over, never to see it again."

"I know it will. But I am in no way ready to have a baby right now. And I think that the logical and most responsible decision would be to give this baby to a couple who can give it everything that I can't."

"I think that maybe Elliot feels he is letting you down. He is trying to step up and be responsible. He really does care, Olivia. For you and for this baby."

"I can't do it. Casey, I am not ready. I have never even been around babies, I don't know the first thing about them."

"Most first time parents don't. But they learn. You can learn. I think you would make a great mother."

"You are not hearing me. I don't want to be a mother. Not now. I have already talked to an agency about finding parents for the baby. Everything has already been arranged. All I have to do is have the baby and sign the last of the paperwork. It's done. And there is no point in making this harder than it already is."

"I'll be here for you," Casey said closing her hand around Olivia's. "It will be hard, but you won't have to face it alone."

"Thanks, Casey. I just hope that someday Elliot can understand my reasons for doing this and forgive me. That someday I will have my best friend back and I am not losing him completely."

"It's hard on him too, Liv."

"I know it is. And I never meant to hurt him."

"He'll come around."

"I hope you're right."

"How did your appointment go?"

"Good. The doctor said everything is right on schedule and the baby looks healthy. I could safely go into labor at anytime. But I am not due for another two weeks. He asked me again if I wanted to know the sex of the baby."

"Did you find out?"

"No. I think knowing would just make this even harder. I have been giving the sonogram pictures to the agency to give to the couple who are adopting the baby. The doctor has agreed to let me schedule an induction. He said sometimes they do that in adoption cases, this way the adoptive parents can be there when the baby is born."

"You're going to let them be there?"

"They won't be in the room, but they will be there in the hospital. That way they can see the baby after it is born and be there with it in the hospital. When the baby is discharged it will be handed off to them."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'm okay with it, I guess. It will be better for the baby this way. So I am scheduled to be induced on the twenty eighth."

"In eight days?"

"Yes. Then I can get on with my life. Casey, I know it is hard for everyone else to understand, but I am confident that I am doing the right thing for my baby. I am not fit to be a parent. This baby deserves a good family who can give them everything they have ever dreamed of. This is the only way I know to provide for my child."

"Then I am sure everything will work out. And eventually, Elliot will come around."

"I hope you're right. That is the only one thing that really scares me about this entire situation. I'm not scared of the labor or delivery….not much, anyway. I will get through it and I will recover. But if I go through all of this and I lose Elliot….I couldn't live with myself."

"Liv, I don't think that Elliot would walk away from you forever. He may be upset and feel a little hurt, but I honestly think that he will eventually come around. He cares too much about you to stop being your friend because you….."

"Betrayed him? Because that is how he feels about this. I understand how it is hurting him. This is his baby, too and I am just giving it away. But I can't do this. I can't be a mother. It would be a disaster and I don't want to ruin this child's life the way my mother nearly ruined mine. I know what it is like to grow up with a bad mother and I wont put this baby through that."

"But how do you know that you will be a bad mother? How do you know if you don't even try?"

Olivia sat quietly for a moment. It was now obvious to her where her dear friend's opinion of her current situation laid. And as hard as Casey was trying to be supportive of Olivia's decision to give the baby up for adoption, it was obvious that this was a choice that she didn't quite agree with.

"I should go," Olivia said looking at her watch once more.

Casey stood and hugged her friend.

"Try to take it easy. And call me if there is anything that you need."

"Actually, there is something." Olivia took a deep breath as she looked Casey in the eye. "I can have someone come into the delivery room with me when the baby is born."

"You want me to talk to Elliot for you?"

"Elliot can barely stand to be in the same room with me at work. I really don't think that he wants to stand in there with me while I give birth to the child I am about to give away. I was hoping maybe you could stand in there with me. You don't really have to do anything, I just think that it will be easier for me to stay clam and…."

"Of course, I will."

"Thanks, Case. I really should get going, though. I have a ton of paperwork to do and I am ready to call it a day and go home. I just want to take a hot shower and relax in bed with a good book until I pass out," Olivia laughed. "I am so tired lately."

"I hear pregnancy does that to you."

"Well, you heard right. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally."

"You should talk to him."

"I don't think he wants to talk to me."

"But you will never know if you are too damn stubborn to try."

Olivia raised her eyes to stare at her friend trying to act offended, fully knowing Casey was right.

"Fine," Casey said standing to leave. "But if you think you are lonely now….this is nothing compared to how you will feel when your best friend walks out that door and you say nothing to stop him."

Olivia tried hard to think of something to say to defend herself, but there was nothing.

"I have to get back for court. Just promise me that you will at least think about what I said. I don't think making an effort to talk to him can really hurt things that bad."

"What have I got to lose, right?" Olivia asked as her eyes filled with tears.

Casey stepped forward and hugged Olivia tight.

"Call me if you need me."

"I will," she whispered as her tears began to fall, "I will."

Olivia walked back into the bullpen and hung her coat over the back of her chair. It had been a long and depressing day and it was only one o'clock. She exhaled softly and smoothed her hands over her face as the picture on the corner of her desk caught her eye.

It was from the Christmas party the year before and Elliot had his arms wrapped around her hugging her. They were both laughing and seemed so happy. How could she have known that one year and one night later, they wouldn't even be speaking to one another.

Olivia traced her fingertip over the edge of the picture as she felt the baby kick inside of her. She placed her hand against her belly and couldn't help but smile. Her breath caught in her throat as Elliot walked into the room.

He stopped at the door and their eyes met only for a moment before he turned away and headed for the file room. Olivia exhaled and tried as hard as she could not to cry again. Elliot could barely stand to look at her anymore and he wasn't the only one who felt as if she were betraying him.

She exhaled and stared down at her desk for a moment feeling more than a little sorry for herself. Olivia dropped her pen onto the desk and headed down the hall to find her partner. She looked inside the file room, but didn't see him. She folded her arms in front of her and headed further down the hall to the locker room.

Inside Elliot was working out and pretending not to notice she was standing there watching him. Olivia let the door fall shut behind her and leaned against it for a moment still unsure of what to say to him.

"El?" she said softly.

"Yeah," he grunted without looking at her.

"I know you are upset, but I was hoping maybe we could talk for a moment."

"I'm not upset."

"Then why are you beating the hell out of that punching bag?"

"I'm trying to slip in a work out since I don't have time to go to the gym."

"I see."

"So if you don't mind…."

"Actually, I do."

Elliot stopped for a moment and stared at her.

"Elliot, please talk to me."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything. Something….or nothing, I don't really care. I just cant handle this silence between us anymore. I hate that you are avoiding me. I get it, okay? I get that you don't agree with my decision to give the baby up for adoption. I understand that you are angry with me for making this choice, but I need to know if I really am losing my best friend?"

By now her eyes were full of tears and they were streaming down both sides of her face. Olivia felt like a fool as she stood there pleading with him to break the silence and speak to her. But Elliot didn't look too convinced.

"Because I don't think I could handle that."

"I have to go," Elliot said dropping his boxing gloves on the bench as he tried to brush past her and head out the door.

But Olivia didn't move. Instead she actually slid over and blocked his way even more as she reached up and flipped the lock, forcing him to stay there with her.

"I'm tired of being ignored," she said as she folded her arms in front of her.

"I'm not ignoring you! I have work to do."

"Right, and ten minutes ago you had to work out. It's bullshit, Elliot! You know it and I know it! You are so angry at me you wont even look me in the eye! You can't stand to stand this close to me, because you feel like I have betrayed you! You have not said a word to me in almost three weeks," she said as her voice cracked again and began to break down. "Just tell me, Elliot….tell me if we are going to make it through this or do I need to start searching for a new best friend?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I might be ridiculous, but I'm also right."

"I'm not mad," he said turning to walk across the room and lean his forehead against the wall as he thought for a moment. "I understand why you're doing it."

"You do?" she asked.

"But that doesn't make it stop hurting."

"I'm not doing it to hurt you. I wish there were an easier way. But in my heart I believe that this is what is best for this baby."

"And there is nothing I can do or say to change your mind?" he asked looking up at her.

Olivia was quiet as she stared at him.

"It's already done," he said answering his own question. "I'm hurt, Liv. My heart is breaking and I can't just tell it to stop. I just need some time," he said reaching beside her to unlock the door.

Olivia pressed her lips together as she stepped aside and allowed him to leave the room. This was the hardest decision she had ever had to make and it was more than obvious that for the first time in her life, she didn't have Elliot's support. Elliot wasn't going to let this destroy their friendship, but Olivia knew that things between them would never be the same.


	3. 3 Waiting For A Miracle

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE**__**: I understand many of the things that most of you have pointed out about Elliot as the father having rights to the child, but I ask you all to remember that this is an AU story and things do not always happen the way we want them to. I have a plan for this story and I have known from the beginning in the very first chapter EXACTLY where I am going with it. The purpose of the story is to explain to readers how the characters got there. I know it is frustrating to keep read something that you disagree with, but I ask you to trust in me as a writer that I will bring this back to a happy place. LOL. It is, after all, titled "Second Chances." Please be patient and please remember to review! Thank you all for reading!**_

_**~ Detective Olivia Stabler ~**_

_Second Chances_

_(Chapter Three: Waiting For A Miracle)_

Olivia groaned softly in protest of her pain as Casey nervously paced the floor.

"Case, you're not helping the situation any."

"I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. What do you need me to do?"

Olivia laid back against her pillow and shifted her head to the hospital table beside her.

"Can you get me another cup of ice chips?" She asked looking at the three she already had.

"I'm on it! I'll be right back," Casey shouted rushing from the room.

"Take your time," Olivia gasped as she tried to prepare for the next contraction.

"I think your friend is more nervous than you are," the doctor said as she entered the room.

"I love her to death, but she is making me crazy," Olivia replied through tired eyes. "My water broke almost eight hours ago. How much longer?"

"I'm afraid there is no way to tell. Some women are only in labor for two hours. Some for eight and some for twenty or thirty."

"Oh, God."

The doctor smiled as she unmated the monitor for Olivia to listen to the baby's heart beat. She watched as tears came to Olivia's eyes.

"Sometimes this helps. I am keeping a close eye on things to make sure that this baby is not distressed. So far you have had a perfectly healthy labor. No problems or complications. You have had a healthy pregnancy and I promise you that we will get this baby out the safest way possible. Your contractions have started picking up and I'll check you again," the woman said walking around to the end of the bed and raising the sheet.

Olivia stared at the numbers on the monitor watching the baby's heart rate as the doctor examined her once more.

"I can actually go ahead and administer the epidural whenever you are ready. Things are moving right along and you are progressing wonderfully."

"I'm just ready for this to all be over," She exhaled as a tear slid down her cheek.

"Would you like to wait until your friend returns and you have someone here with you for me to start the epidural?"

"Honestly, I think it would be better if we did it with her out of the room. I know she means well and she just wants to help, but she really just makes me more nervous."

The doctor smiled.

"That happens sometimes. Friends and family, sometimes even husbands, want to be here for support and they are more nervous than the mother to be. That can make you more anxious."

"There won't be a husband around this room making people nervous. I'm not married. Casey is the only one here with me."

"Hopefully once the epidural takes effect it will help with that also."

"Hopefully," Olivia said with a smile.

Once Olivia had her epidural the hours seemed to pass a little more quickly. Ten and then twelve hours of labor as her contractions grew stronger and closer together. Casey still paced the floor nervously, unsure of what to do to help her friend.

"Case, it is still liable to be a little while and we have been here all day. Why don't you go grab a cup of coffee or something? I'm not quite ready to start pushing yet and if anything changes before you get back I will text you. I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay. Do you want me to bring you back anything?"

Olivia held back the urge to snap that she couldn't eat or drink anything and bit her bottom lip for a moment.

"Can you bring me another cup of ice?"

"Sure," Casey said with a relieved smile feeling as if there was finally something she could do to help her friend.

Olivia watched as she disappeared once more, then she closed her eyes to enjoy a peaceful moment alone.

Casey made her way down the hall to the elevators. She went down to the second floor canteen to grab a cup of coffee and something quick to eat before heading back upstairs.

She made her way through the line grabbing a large black coffee, a cup of ice and a sandwich. As she paid the cashier and turned to leave she noticed a familiar face sitting at a table alone in the back of the room.

"Elliot? How long have you been here?"

"Since Fin let it slip she was in labor."

"Does Olivia know you're here?"

"No. And it's probably better that way. Things aren't exactly normal between us right now."

"If by _normal _you mean the fact that your partner is laying upstairs in pain about to give birth to your child, I could see where the trouble lies."

"She's in pain?"

"Childbirth isn't exactly pleasant, Elliot."

"I am such a jerk! All I have done is make this whole thing worse for her. And now, she is in that room alone having my baby and I am sitting in the cafeteria with a damn teddy bear feeling sorry for myself."

"The bear is cute though."

"I figured if this kid has to home to strangers, he or she aught to have at least one familiar face. And it might be nice, someday, to know that they had something from one of their parents."

"You still don't want her to give it up?"

"I know I should respect her decision. She is the mother. But this is my baby, too. I have tried so hard to understand where she is coming from and be supportive. But it kills me that my child is about to be born and I will never get to see it or hold it."

Casey took a deep breath and stared into her coffee cup.

"What if you could? Would that make this a little easier on you?"

"What are you talking about?"

Casey handed him the cup of strong black coffee.

"You should be in there," she said softly.

"She doesn't want me there."

"She didn't think you wanted to be there. But I am not helping her any. I am a nervous wreck and she keeps sending me out for ice," she laughed. "I'm making her more nervous than anything. You should go in there. Stand there beside her and hold her hand. Try, for right now, to put things aside and just be there for each other. She needs you. And as much as you don't want to admit it, you need her too. She is your best friend. Don't ruin that over one mistake you _both_ made nine months ago."

"You're right."

"Of course I am. I am always right," she said with a smile as her cell phone buzzed receiving the text from Olivia that it was almost time to start pushing. "It's time."

"It's time," he repeated.

"Room five twenty two, she is about to start pushing. I can wait outside with the bear"

"Thanks, Casey."

"Elliot," she said as he turned around and she handed him the cup of coffee. "I iced it down so I could drink it faster. It is strong, but you might need it."

Elliot smiled and took the cup from her as he headed down the hallway toward the elevator.

The doctor was talking to Olivia, when Elliot walked in. He was nervous and shaking so bad he could hardly control it, when they had gotten him scrubbed in. Now he stood to the side watching for a moment and Olivia didn't even seem to recognize him.

"I shouldn't be here," he mumbled nervously to himself as he turned to leave the room.

"Elliot?" he heard her gasp from behind him. "What are you doing here?"

Elliot took a deep breath as he turned and walked to her side.

"You didn't think I would leave you here to do this alone, did you?"

She smiled a tired and weary smile.

"I didn't call you. How did you know?"

"Fin kind of let it slip that your water broke. Then I saw Casey downstairs and she thought I should be in here with you. But I can go if me being here bothers you."

"No," she almost pleaded with him. "Stay."

"Alright," he agreed with a smile.

"Okay, everybody. It is time to bring this baby into the world," the doctor announced as she instructed Olivia to begin pushing.

For the next hour Casey paced up and down the hallway outside the waiting room waiting for any news about Olivia and the baby dragging the teddy bear along with her.

Elliot held tight to her hand and counted with the doctor as Olivia pushed with everything that she had in her. Finally, one last big push and the baby was born. Elliot watched nervously as the doctor handed the now screaming infant off to a group of nurses who bundled the baby and carried it from the room.

The doctor, however, returned her focus to Olivia. Elliot watched nervously as she collapsed against the bed, weak and barely able to grip his hand.

"Is she gonna be alright?" he asked looking at the doctor in panic.

"She will be fine. The last part of the delivery was rough on her and she suffered some tearing. She is pale and weak due to blood loss, but we will keep a close eye on her over the next few hours. I assure you she will be fine. She just needs some rest," the doctor assured him as she pulled him aside. "She will need to get cleaned up a bit and she needs some time to get settled back into her room then you can see her again."

Elliot nodded in agreement as he was escorted from the room. He smoothed his hands over his face unable to believe all of the events that had just taken place. He shook his head and smiled as he heard the cries of the newborn down the hall. His newborn.

Casey jumped to her feet as he stepped into the waiting area.

"Well?"

"The baby was born about fifteen minutes ago."

"Is it alright?"

"I don't know. I think so. It sounded healthy, it had a good strong cry. But they took it from the room right away and didn't tell us anything about it."

"They usually don't in adoption cases," Casey reminded him. "How's Liv?"

"She is weak and so pale. The doctor said the delivery was rough on her and she lost a lot of blood. They want to keep an eye on her, but she should be fine."

"That's good."

"We can go back and see her in about fifteen minutes."

"Well," Casey said as her eyes lit up, "do you want to do hang out in front of the nursery window and try to guess which one is yours?"

Elliot laughed.

"I think the point is for me not to know.

"Oh, come on El. You can't tell me you aren't dying to know what this kid looks like."

He smiled a shy smile as Casey lead him by the hand down to the nursery window.

"Case, these babies are all older," Elliot pointed out as they stared through the window.

"That nurse said there were five women here in labor the same time as Olivia. They must have the newborns somewhere else. Most of these babies were born last night."

She looked around for a moment then walked over and asked a woman behind the desk.

"Excuse me ma'am, our friend just had a baby and we didn't see it in the window…."

"The babies aren't moved into the big nursery until they are a few hours old and have been cleared by the doctor. The newborns are kept in the smaller nursery around the corner. They are continuously monitored by the nurses in there until they are old enough to be moved in with the older babies."

"Thank you," Casey said as Elliot followed her to the smaller nursery.

They stood in front of the window and watched as a nurse placed a baby in a pink blanket into a tiny bed.

"Any ideas which one might be yours?" Casey asked realizing that the little beds were all labeled with numbers instead of last names.

"I have no idea," Elliot said staring at the infants unable to even blink.

"Four boys and two girls," Casey noted as she stared into the window. "What did your baby look like?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you did see it, right?"

"For a second. It was a screaming infant all covered in goo. I couldn't tell the sex."

"Did you notice if it had hair?" she asked looking pointing. "Three of these are bald."

"I don't know. I think so. Dark hair."

"That one seems to have more blonde fuzz than dark hair. So we have narrowed it down to two. But we still don't know if it is a boy or a girl."

Elliot sighed as he pressed his forehead against the glass.

"They are both cute though," Casey said in an attempt to cheer him up.

A couple of hours later, Olivia's eyes fluttered open to stare at a dozen red roses sitting on the window ledge. She smiled as she yawned and stretched.

"Hey," Elliot said stepping back into the room with a cup of coffee in each hand. "I figured you would be waking up soon. How do you feel?"

"Sore. I think every muscle of my body aches. But I'm okay. Are they from you?" she asked pointing to the roses.

"Yeah," he said with a smile. "You did a really great job in there. I know how hard this has been on you."

"Thank you for the flowers, Elliot. But I don't think you do know."

"I'm losing a baby too, Olivia. Only I don't have a say in the matter."

"Elliot, please. I don't want to fight. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before. When we were partners and friends and we could sit in the same room together and hold a conversation without it turning into a fight."

"I miss those days too, Liv. But to be completely honest here, I am not sure things will ever be the same again."

Olivia stared at him as tears rose in her eyes and the room was quiet for a few moments.

"Are you still planning to give the baby up?"

"I already have, Elliot. My lawyer showed up about half an hour after I delivered and I signed the papers. The baby will be released to the adoption agency and given to its new parents as soon as it is discharged," she said as a tear rolled off her cheek.

Elliot felt a knot rise in his throat as he choked back tears. Elliot couldn't speak. He stood up and leaned down to kiss her forehead then left the room.

Moments later he found himself sitting outside the nursery window again looking down at the same two babies, unsure if he had a son or a daughter. Elliot had never hurt so bad in his life. It were as if someone had reached inside of him and ripped out his heart. He stood there staring down at the babies trying to burn the picture of them into his memory. Knowing that this would probably be the last time he ever saw his child, Elliot couldn't help but break down and cry.


	4. 4 We All Make Mistakes

_Second Chances_

_(Chapter Four: We All Make Mistakes)_

Three days had passed and Olivia now found herself at home all alone. She stared out the window and watched the drizzle of rain. She couldn't remember the last time she had ever felt this alone.

Elliot was still upset with her over her decision to give the baby up and she hadn't heard from him in what seemed like an eternity. The last she had heard the baby was going to be released to its adoptive parents as soon as it was cleared for discharge from the hospital. One of the nurses from the delivery room had assured Olivia that the child was healthy, so the baby was probably released just a day or so after its birth.

Olivia knew how hard Elliot was taking all of this and figured he would be upset with her for a while, but she thought he would have at least come to check up on her after her release from the hospital.

Later she opened her eyes as the stillness of the apartment was broken by a the ring of the doorbell, realizing she had fallen asleep.

"El," she sighed to herself unable to hold back the smile that crossed her face.

He did still care about her and had finally come around to check on her. As unsure as she was of what to say to him she knew a visit from her best friend was just what she needed.

"Coming," she called softly checking her reflection in the mirror on the wall behind the sofa as she made her way to the door.

"Casey," she said tipping her head to stare at her friend.

"Hey," Casey replied handing her a bouquet of flowers. "I know I'm not the person you were hoping find on the other side of that door. But I hadn't heard from you since you left the hospital and thought I would come by and check on you."

"Don't be silly, I am always happy to see you at my door."

"I know you. Well enough to know exactly how hard you were trying to hide the disappointment on you face and in your eyes when you opened the door. You'd have gotten away with it too, but your voice gave you away."

"I'm sorry. I guess I was kind of expecting Elliot. I am very happy to see you, though."

"I know you are," Casey said hugging her. "I know how hard this has to be on you. You really haven't heard from him at all?"

"No. This is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him or seeing him. I miss my friend."

"I was thinking we could order some dinner in, if you want? My treat. Maybe find a movie to watch or something? Just kind of have a girls night."

Olivia smiled.

"That sounds nice. And I could really use the company."

"How are you feeling?" Casey asked settling into Olivia's sofa with her paper carton and chopsticks. "Are you in any pain?"

"Not too bad. I'm a little sore and achy in places I never though could hurt so much, but it better than yesterday."

"I couldn't imagine doing that."

"Giving up a baby?" Olivia said softly, her voice full of sorrow.

"Giving birth. It must be like ripping in half. With all your insides on the outside. All of the blood and gunk and…." she looked up at Olivia and realized she wasn't helping matters any. "I'm just not good with pain. You are so strong."

"I had drugs, Casey. Good, drugs."

"But those don't help much with the emotional pain," Casey replied squeezing her hand. "I know how hard this decision must have been for you."

"It was hard. But I honestly feel like I made the right choice. That baby deserved so much more than what I had to offer."

"Do you miss him?"

"Like crazy," Olivia replied turning her attention to the window once more as a tear slid down her cheek. "I didn't realize Elliot would be this hurt. I guess I didn't think much about how he would feel, I just assumed he would understand….he'd come around. But these few days with out him seem like years. I don't know if he will ever forgive me."

Casey smiled a shy smile.

"I was talking about the baby."

"Oh. Yes," Olivia whispered. "I didn't know you could miss someone you never knew…. Not this much anyway. I feel like there is an empty place inside me now, where the baby should be."

"That's normal isn't it?"

"I don't mean in here," Olivia said bringing her hand to rest on her abdomen almost wishing she'd feel that familiar kick once more. "I meant here," she whispered as she placed her palm against her chest to feel the soft pounding of her heart. "I didn't know a broken heart could still beat."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Olivia was quiet for a moment as she sat her food on the end table and pulled her blanket up around her.

"How's El?"

"What?"

"Well, you've talked to him, right? Have you seen him?"

"Only for a moment or two. He seems to be doing well."

"Did he ask about me?"

"He…." Casey paused unsure of the proper response.

"I knew this was going to be hard. But I didn't realize how much harder going through it all alone would make things. I know I hurt him. But I never meant to do that," she sobbed. "I only wanted to do what was best for the baby. I gave our baby away to strangers and now I've lost Elliot, too."

Casey slid closer giving Olivia a shoulder to cry on.

"I think you should just give things a little time. Elliot loves you, you're his best friend. He was just hurt. And sometimes when people hurt the only way they know to deal with that pain is to get angry. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you anymore."

"Case," Olivia said softly turning her head to the side to stare at Casey with a look of confusion.

"Yeah?"

"You asked if I missed him. Do you really think my baby was a boy?"

Casey stuttered for a moment unsure of what to say.

"I…um….he or…shh…." she watched as Olivia blinked her dark eyes and stared at her. "I know your baby was a boy."

"How do you know?"

Casey took a deep breath.

"I know, because I have seen him."

"You saw him at the hospital?" Olivia asked raising and devoting her full attention to her friend's reaction.

"After."

"You saw him after the hospital? Was he healthy? Was he okay?"

"He is perfect."

"You know who adopted him, don't you?"

"Liv, I…."

"Do you?"

"Yes. And so do you."

"Casey….."

"Olivia, Elliot kept the baby. He has your son."

Olivia closed her eyes as tears welled up and over filled them.

"But how? The papers were already signed. It was too late."

"Elliot never signed. Because you knew the child's paternity, Elliot had to sign those papers also in order for the adoption to be legalized. You signed the papers, but Elliot couldn't do it. Because you gave up your rights, he being the biological father of the child then gained full custody."

"Elliot kept our son?"

Casey nodded.

"And he is perfect. About eight pounds, I think. With Elliot's eyes and your smile. I don't think I was supposed to say anything. I'm sure he was gonna tell you himself when the time was right. I can't tell you exactly what he is feeling right now, but the last few days have been pretty strange for him as well."

"I guess you're right," Olivia agreed.

"You should get some rest. Maybe all he needs is a little time. He'll come around."

"Do you really think so?"

"Or maybe you should try calling him. If I know Eliot, he can't stay mad at you."

"But this wasn't just anger, Casey. He was hurt. I betrayed him and I just gave our son away like he was nothing."

"You did what you thought was best for your child. Every parent wants more for their kids. And we all make mistakes."


	5. 5 Damaged

_Second Chances_

_(Chapter Five: Damaged)_

Olivia was sitting at her desk pretending to work. She had been staring at the blinking cursor on her blank computer screen for over an hour now and still hadn't been able to focus enough to write the report she was supposed to be working on.

It had been just over two weeks now since she had given birth and given her baby up for adoption. A decision that crossed her mind every moment of every day from the moment she had handed him over.

She still hadn't heard anything from Elliot and was pretty sure that she had managed to destroy their friendship. She didn't think he would ever forgive her for giving their child away. But she was so relieved to hear from Casey that Elliot, himself had retained custody of their son.

Sometimes she wished she could take it all back. And go back to the days before they had consummated and complicated their relationship. Back when things were as simple as right and wrong and before they had given into the temptation that had lead them to where they were today.

She wondered sometimes, if she could go back if she would do things differently. She knew that she would have never chosen abortion, but would she keep the baby? Did she have in her what it takes to raise a baby?

As certain as she was at the time that giving her son up for adoption was the right choice for her, she couldn't help but wonder now if it was the biggest mistake she had ever made in her life. She knew the baby was safe and loved and would be well taken care of with his father. And she knew when she made this choice that it would be hard on her.

But she didn't know that it would feel as if someone had ripped her heart out and just gave it away. She had no idea she would miss him this much. And the worst part was that the one person she would normally turn to in situations like this was Elliot and she couldn't turn to him now. She wasn't sure he would ever talk to her again.

"You need some help?" Fin asked sitting across from her at her desk.

"No, I'm doing alright."

Fin smiled and she forced a smile as well.

"Maybe the captain was right, maybe it is just too soon for you to come back to work."

"Don't let him hear you say that," Olivia said looking over her shoulder at Cragen sitting in his office. "It took me forever to talk him into letting me come back and just sit behind a desk."

"How are you doing? Really?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled.

"It's hard. But every day it gets a tiny bit easier. I didn't think it was going to be this hard."

"That was your baby. Of course it isn't going to be easy. But you did what you thought was right. I understand that."

"But does Elliot? I don't know if he will ever forgive me. Or ever talk to me again."

"He loves you baby girl. I think he just had it in his head that you and he were going to raise this baby together. It kind of caught him off guard when you said you wanted to give the baby up for adoption. He didn't understand it. And I know he secretly hoped he could talk you out of it. Then when it came down to the moment, he couldn't do it."

"Fin, I don't know the first thing about babies."

"Neither did Elliot. He read books and took classes and he has learned. Some things you just have to figure out as you go along."

"I wasn't sure I could do it. What if I wasn't a good mother? I couldn't take the chance that I would just damage that poor baby for life."

"Liv, I think we are all damaged by our parents in childhood. That's normal."

"My childhood was anything but normal, Fin. My mother was a horrible mother and I refuse to make her mistakes. I can't raise a child unless I know that I can be a better mother than she was."

"I know you are," Fin said as she stared at him in confusion. "You wanted your son to have the best life he could. Unsure if you could provide that for him, you gave him up in hopes that he would find that life. You made the ultimate sacrifice for your son."

Olivia teared up and began to cry.

"But he isn't my son anymore. And he never will be. I gave him away."

"You just have to live knowing in your heart that you made the best choice for you and for your baby. If other people can't understand that, then that's okay. It doesn't make you wrong for doing it. We all do things differently. And no one else in this world can say that they could have made a better choice, no one else in this world was in your shoes."

"Elliot was. And I made that choice for him, too. I couldn't imagine not having a choice. I couldn't imagine having the baby and someone just taking him away without me having any say in the matter. That is what I did to him, Fin. I can't say that I blame him for hating me."

"I don't think he hates you. He just doesn't quite know how to deal with things right now. The entire situation was hard on you both. You have to believe that you made the right choice, or you will drive yourself crazy thinking you made the wrong choice. Give yourself a little credit. Nothing about having a baby is easy."

"He kept the baby, Fin. Elliot has our son."

"I heard."

Olivia smoothed her hands over her face and wiped away her tears.

"Am I the only one who didn't know?" she asked studying the expression on his face. "Oh my gosh, I am. Why didn't anyone tell me? I still wouldn't know now if Casey hadn't accidentally let it slip in conversation." she thought for a moment then looked back up at him. "Elliot didn't want me to know, did he?"

"I don't know about that. I spoke to Elliot a few days after you had the baby. He told me then. I asked the others not to tell you."

"Why, Fin? You had to know that I would eventually find out the truth."

"I know. I just wanted you to have a little time to adjust first. Time to heal and get your bearings again before we threw this at you. And I thought…."

"You thought, what?"

"I thought Elliot would have come around by now. I thought he would have told you himself. I am sorry that we kept this from you for so long. That really wasn't my intention."

"It's okay. I guess in all actuality, I gave him up. I signed away my rights to that baby, so in a sense I guess I gave up the right to know things like this about my son. Elliot's son."

"Are you okay with it? With Elliot raising the baby, I mean?"

"Yea," she said with a soft smile. "I wasn't ready. And as much as it kind of hurt to find out….in a way it hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach….I am a little relieved that he has at least one of us in his life. I know Elliot will love him and take good care of him. That's really all you can ask in adoptive parents, that they love your child like he was their own. I didn't expect this. But the more I think about it, the more I am glad that it turned out this way. I just wish things weren't so awkward between Elliot and I."

"If you had the chance, do you think you would want to see the baby?"

"I don't know. Someday, I hope to see him again."

"This could be your lucky day," Fin replied as Olivia turned around to see Elliot step into the bullpen with the baby carrier in his hands.

Olivia couldn't move and she could barely breathe as she stood there frozen in fear. Elliot didn't even see her for a moment. And then he did. He raised his eyes from the seat that contained his infant son and shifted them to stare into hers as the baby began to cry.

Olivia's bottom lip quivered and she felt the ache in her chest, then suddenly found herself staggering backward out of the room as tears streamed down her face once more. She turned and made her way into the locker room before the full effect of her breakdown hit and she searched desperately for a safe place to hide.

"What did you say to her?" Fin asked looking up at Elliot.

"I didn't say anything."

"Maybe that's the problem."

"I didn't come here to fight. I just came to get my messages and pick up some stuff to work on at home. She is supposed to be off work for four more weeks, I had no idea she would even be here."

"Well, she is here. And I think this is as good a time as any for you to fix this."

"Me fix it? I am not the one who broke it in the first place."

"Look, she made a mistake. We are all allowed one here and there."

"Mistake? Fin, she gave away our kid! Just handed him over to strangers like he meant nothing to her at all."

"Obviously that isn't the case. She was scared, Elliot."

"I'm scared, too. But I am his father. And apparently the only one in the world who gives a damn about him."

"Now hold it right there," Cragen injected as Elliot turned around to watch his boss interacting with his newborn. "Have you even stopped to think how hard it was for her to decide to give this baby up? Did you stop to think of how she must have been feeling or what must have been going through her head? No, you didn't. Because all you knew was what you were feeling about the situation. You didn't really consider her feelings in this either, Elliot."

"You are taking her side in this?"

"I'm not taking anyone's side. I am simply saying that you may be guilty of the exact same thing you are so angry at her for doing. She was scared and made her decision based on how the situation effected her life. She panicked and she did what she thought was best for this baby. Olivia has never had anyone in her life to show her how to be a good parent. Or a half way decent parent for that matter. I'm not saying she was right and I am not saying she was wrong. I am just saying that maybe she did what she thought was the best thing she could do for her baby. And you know it couldn't have been easy. She has barely survived giving him up, Elliot. Losing you is about to kill her."

Elliot groaned and rubbed his hands over his face.

"Just talk to her, man. We're not saying you don't have a right to be hurt. But she is your best friend. How can you walk away so easily from a friendship that has lasted this long? You two have been through everything together and you always manage to come out on top. She made a mistake, Elliot. But don't give up on her just when she needs you the most."

"She said it was a mistake?"

"She didn't have to, man. It is all she can do to hold herself together these last few days. She has sorrow and regret written all over her face. And she got so tired of sitting at home thinking about it that she begged Cragen to let her come back early and sit behind a desk. It is eating her alive. She is convinced you hate her."

"I don't….I don't hate her. I just couldn't believe she could make such a drastic decision and not even be concerned about how it would effect me. She may have been his mother, but I am his father and I should have had some say in that choice, too. It hurt. Like a stab in the back. It hurt so much to think that my best friend could be so self absorbed that she didn't for a second stop to think about how I felt about giving the baby up. Worse, she knew and gave him up anyway."

"Can you honestly imagine living the rest of your life without Olivia in it?" Fin asked.

Elliot was quiet for a few minutes.

"No," he said softly.

"I know you are hurting. She is hurting, too. Just go in there and talk to her. You are both walking around here like zombies, half dead and not much use to anyone else. Even if you can't ever forget it, Elliot, forgive her. You both need this right now."

Elliot took a deep breath and picked his son up from the carrier. He tightened the blanket the little boy was wrapped in and kissed his head.

"We'll keep an eye on him," Cragen said taking the child from his father.

"I don't even know what to say to her."

"Start by telling her how you feel. The listen to her when she does the same. It's a great place to start," Cragen replied. "It might not fix everything today. But hey, it will at least put a stitch in this gaping wound while it has a little time to heal."

Elliot picked up a Styrofoam cup from the counter beside the coffee maker and dropped in one of Olivia's favorite tea bags. He bit his lip scrambling for something to say to her as he filled the cup full of water and carried it down the hall.

In the back corner of the locker room he found Olivia curled up crying with her knees pulled up to her chest and her face buried in her folded arms. He stood there for a moment and watched as she just sobbed. Seeing her like this made him feel horrible.

"I brought you some tea," he said softly extending his hand and offering her the cup as she slowly raised her head.

Elliot stared into her eyes still unsure of what to say to her.

"It usually makes you feel better," he whispered.

"Thank you," she replied taking the cup from him and watching as he sat on the bench across from her.

"I don't hate you," he blurted out like a fool as she stared at him with tears in her eyes. "I just don't understand how you could give him up and not even care how I felt about it. That hurt. I tried. I tried so hard to be supportive of you and understand everything you were going through. And I guess I just felt like you didn't try to understand how I felt. I get that you weren't ready. You were scared. I am, too. But that is our son, mine and yours. And I couldn't do it. I just couldn't give him away and hope that some strangers could do better for him and love him more than you and I could. Because I know in my heart, no one else could ever love him as much as I do."

"I didn't do it because I didn't love him."

"I know that," Elliot exhaled as he climbed into the floor beside her. "And Cragen was right," he said staring into her eyes. "I have been so hurt and so angry at you over something I am guilty of myself. I was hurt because I didn't think you thought about how the choice to give him up made me feel. The pain and hurt. And I didn't even consider how the choice to keep him made you feel. The fear and uncertainty. I felt it too, Liv. I guess I just felt like we could have done this together and we would have been okay. Together, we would have figured it out and we would have made a pretty good life for this little boy."

"Pretty good wasn't good enough, Elliot. He deserved so much better than that. I asked myself if I thought I could do it, if I thought I had it in me to be a good mother and the best answer I could come up with was maybe. He deserves a mother who is sure of herself, who is sure that she can do everything he needs her to do and provide everything he needs for him. And I wasn't sure if I could be that kind of mother."

"Liv, all new parents are scared. No one is ever sure of what they are getting themselves into until they are knee deep in it. And I know that you have it in you to be an amazing mother."

"I don't even know what an amazing mother does."

"It's okay, you know? He is going to be alright. He will be safe and loved and well taken care of. You don't have to beat yourself up over the decision you made. Liv, if you did what was best for you and what you thought was best for him, then you did the right thing. And doing what is right for you child, no matter how much it hurts you, that makes you a good mother."

"I miss him. But not knowing for sure that I regret that choice, I think that makes me a horrible mother."

"Olivia, not everything is black or white. And I am sure this will all take some time to figure out. It will work out."

"How?" she asked shaking her head. "I gave up my rights. I gave up our baby. You said it yourself, I just decided I didn't want to be his mother and gave him away."

"I said a lot of things I should have said because I was angry. But the bottom line is that he is my son and you are his mother. With or without legal parental rights, you are that baby's mother. I am not suggesting that we have to jump back into this. And believe me, I know how terrifying the thought of parenting a newborn is. He is tiny, he smells, he never sleeps and he cries a lot. But there are so many good things about him too, Olivia."

She smiled.

"Like what?" she asked choking back tears.

"He is so soft. And after his bath, which he hates and screams all the way through, he smells so good. And he is an amazing cuddler. I lay him right here on my chest and he will open his little eyes wide and just stare at me," Elliot said with a laugh. "And he listens attentively to every word that I say. I know that he gets that from you."

"From me?" she asked with a look of doubt.

"That's not all he gets from you. He has your hair. He has this thick dark hair and your long dark eyelashes. He snores like you."

"I don't snore!"

"When you are really tired you do. And so does he, it is the most adorable thing. The snoring and the hiccups. So cute."

"Oh, he had hiccups almost the entire last two week I was pregnant. I could feel him jerking around in my belly," she said placing her palm over the empty space where their son once lived.

Olivia closed her eyes and thought back to when she was pregnant and feeling the baby moving around inside of her and couldn't help but smile.

"And he has your smile."

She opened her eyes to look at Elliot.

"He does it mostly when he is asleep. Sometimes he will whimper just a bit, then he smiles. Casey said the internet says it is gas."

Olivia laughed a little.

"But I like to think he is just having a really wonderful dream. He is beautiful, Olivia. He is a lot like me, but so much of him is you. He is absolutely perfect. Even if you don't think you can be his mommy right now, you will always be his mother. And I want you to know that I will never keep you from him. I would like for you to get to know him. He really isn't all that scary."

Olivia took a deep breath.

"Are we gonna be okay?" she whispered taking a sip of her hot tea.

Elliot smiled.

"I think we are all going to be just fine," Elliot said slipping his hand into hers. "And if you think you feel up to it, there is someone here I would like for you to meet."

"Really?"

"If you feel like you are ready. I want you in his life, but I don't want you to feel like I am pushing you into something you are not ready for. Would you like to meet our son?"

Olivia pressed her lips together as she thought about it.

"I would love to," she replied and Elliot helped her to her feet. "But I can't go back out there like this," she replied.

"Liv, they know you were upset. And I can barely tell you have been crying anymore."

"Not like that," she said softly feeling a bit embarrassed and the moved her arms revealing the wet areas on her shirt, "like this. My hormones are still all screwed up after giving birth," she said as she closed her eyes and exhaled. "I thought I finally had this all under control. But when the baby cried, I leaked everywhere. I am such a mess."

"I'm sure I have something in my locker that you can borrow," Elliot replied moving across the room and returning with an old NYPD tee shirt.

"Thanks. None of my stuff fit when I was pregnant, so I took it all home."

She smiled and he smiled, then he shyly turned around to guard the door as she changed her shirt. Olivia closed her eyes and smiled taking in a deep breath as she pulled it on. The shirt smelled like Elliot.

"Well, this is about as presentable as I am gonna get today," she said softly as she checked her hair and make up in the mirror. "Lets go see our baby."

"Of course I will have to wrestle him away from Cragen first."

She laughed and just then she felt Elliot's hand wrap around hers and their fingers intertwined. Olivia studied the carrier sitting on the corner of Elliot's desk as they re-entered the bull pen.

"Everything alright in here?" Elliot asked as he pulled back the blanket.

"Just fine," Fin replied, "he fell asleep helping uncle Fin with some paperwork. I put him back in there so he could relax."

"Thanks for watching him for me."

"No problem. You two smooth things over in there?"

"We're working on it," Elliot replied draping a small blue blanket over his shoulder and smiling at his partner. "I think we are all going to be just fine," he said lifting a small bundle from the carrier as the baby whined and began to stir. "It's alright, buddy. It's time to wake up. There is someone here daddy wants you to meet," Elliot cooed as the little boy stared up at him. "He likes to be held real close and up where he can see you," he explained as he handed the blanket to Olivia. "This is your mommy," Elliot whispered softly kissing the top of the baby's head as he handed him to Olivia.

Olivia smiled nervously as she moved back the blanket with her fingertips to get a better look.

"Well hello there," she cooed softly as he grunted and stared at her with wide eyes.

Olivia smiled and stretched out his little hand to inspect his tiny fingers.

"It's about time we finally met," she whispered.

Her heart melted as she stared into his Stabler blues and she couldn't help but smile as the baby yawned.

"He is so amazing," she said softly.

"He is pretty cool," Fin agreed.

"What's his name?" she asked raising her eyes to look at Elliot.

"Chase. Chase Matthew Stabler."

"You used Chase?" she asked with a smile.

"Well, when we had discussed keeping the baby and we talked about names, Chase was one of the few we agreed on. Chase Matthew was your favorite boy name. I guess it kind of grew on me."

"I still love it," she said as she smiled again. "A beautiful name for a beautiful little boy," she whispered as she kissed his forehead and smoothed her fingers over his dark hair.

Somehow in all the doubt and fear, in all of the pain and sadness, they had managed to bring this perfect little being into the world. Olivia still was not certain what kind of mother she could be, but as she stared down at the blue eyed baby boy in her arms, she was sure she had never been this in love with anyone ever before.


	6. 6 One Day At A Time

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know it has been nearly a year since I updated this one and there are sooooo many others I need to get around to updating as well. I will try to work on some of the others as soon as I have the time and the update ideas for them. You guys can thank SVUjunkie2011 for this one! Thanks for checking it out! Please remember to review!

~ Detective Olivia Stabler ~

_Second Chances_

_(Chapter Six: One Day at a Time)_

Olivia paced nervously in the hallway as the baby boy inside began to cry. Somehow listening for him while Elliot grabbed a morning shower seemed like a much better idea when he had assured her that the baby would be asleep for at least another hour or so.

"Shhh," she whispered pushing open the nursery door and peering inside. "It's okay. Your daddy will be done soon and he will know exactly what to do," she whispered.

But this only seemed to anger the child.

"Come on, Elliot," she mumbled under her breath biting her lower lip as she looked down at the tiny tears in the little boy's eyes.

"Oh, you have tears. Okay, okay. Please, don't cry. I am so sorry, but I don't know how to help you. I don't know what you want," she said in an attempt to reason with the newborn. "Do you want to be held?"

She watched as the baby kicked and his pouty little lip quivered.

"I can hold you," she offered. "Let's see," Olivia looked around the nursery, "how does he do this? We need one of these," she said tossing a blanket over her shoulder, then leaning in to pick the baby up from the crib. "There, see, we can do this. That's not so bad."

Chase stared up at her with a worried look in his little eyes, then began to cry once more.

"Wait, I thought we had a deal."

She took a deep breath and patted the baby on the back.

"I can do this," she assured herself. "Maybe you are hungry. Let's go see if daddy made you any breakfast."

She carried the infant down the hall and into the kitchen. There on the counter sat the empty bottle and can of formula Elliot had set out just before heading off to the bathroom.

"I though he meant he was going to make the bottle," she groaned in disappointment as she picked up the formula can to read the directions.

"Here we go," she said in a calm, but nervous voice. "Mommy made you breakfast this morning," she whispered offering the bottle to the infant.

She watched as Chase fussed and turned away from the bottle, then began to cry louder.

"Did I do it wrong?"

"No, I'm sure it's fine," Elliot said from behind her.

"But he won't take it."

"He has been like that lately. He is having a little trouble with the formula. He doesn't take it that well, then when he finally does take it he spits it all back up. It seems like he is hungry all of the time, but the formula gives him a belly ache and makes him sick. The doctor wanted us to wait a little while and see if his little system would adjust to it."

"Poor little guy," Olivia cooed looking down at the baby.

"We actually have an appointment for that today. Our pediatrician is talking about maybe switching formulas."

"Well, if this one makes him sick….that is a good thing, right?"

"Yea, but he is so little. And we chose this formula because it was supposed to be one of the easiest for babies to digest. I just worry about him," Elliot said softly as the baby finally gave in and took the bottle.

"I never realized there was really a difference in formula. I mean, I knew there were different brands."

"There are so many differences in everything. Formula, diapers, baby wash, baby wipes, everything! Nothing about having a baby is as simple as it seems. Caring for him is a full time job."

"I noticed. Your little shower break was the longest fifteen minutes of my life. I was so worried I was gonna mess something up or break him. He is so little."

Elliot smiled.

"He is little. But you're not gonna break him. Well, unless you drop him. But I am sure everything you did was just fine."

Olivia smiled at his confidence in her.

"How do you do it, El?" she asked staring at the infant in his arms. "You are so good at this. How do you know exactly what he needs? I was only with him for a short time and was running around frantic trying to figure out what was wrong with him."

Elliot smiled and laughed a little.

"First, let me let you in on a little secret. They can sense fear."

Olivia laughed.

"If you are nervous or uneasy, it makes him nervous and uneasy and he just cries more. Second, I don't always know what he wants. He doesn't always know what he wants. I just kind of figure it out through the process of elimination. Usually he is either wet or hungry, so I check for those first. But sometimes he is just fussy and wants to be held. Or he isn't sure what he wants and he just feels like crying."

Olivia took a deep breath and exhaled nervously.

"Just kinda gotta remind yourself that he is still new at this too. A couple of weeks ago he didn't even know what hungry felt like. He got everything he needed from you."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Do you want to finish feeding him?"

"Now that the hard part is over?" she said with a smile.

"Hey, we're a team, remember?"

Elliot tossed a burp cloth over her shoulder and handed the baby to her. Chase fussed a bit during the hand off, but was completely content once his bottle was back in his mouth.

"There we go," Olivia whispered softly.

She swayed gently from side to side as she walked around the room with the baby.

"We're not doing too awful bad, are we?" she asked with a smile. "But we do a lot better when daddy is here to supervise."

She raised her eyes to look at Elliot as he smiled.

"Do you want to go with us to his doctor's appointment?"

"You don't mind?" she asked.

"Not at all. Liv, I want you to be involved as much as you would like to be. I want him to be able to look back and know that his mommy and daddy were both always here for him."

"I'll have to talk to Cragen. But I am just sitting there at a desk all day, so I am sure he wouldn't mind. I'd kind of like to know what the doctor says about him spitting up so much. I'm worried about him. It has to be rough, poor little guy," she said softly as she kissed Chase's forehead and smoothed her thumb over his thick dark hair.

"See," Elliot said as she rolled her eyes up to stare at him.

"See what?" she asked.

"I told you, you had it in you to be a good mother, Olivia. You wouldn't worry about him if you weren't a good mother. You just need a little practice, that's all."

"Practice, right. So, can you show me how to burp him?"

Elliot smiled and helped her shift the infant into position. He watched as she interacted with Chase.

That afternoon Olivia stood in the room with Elliot as the pediatrician inspected their newborn son.

"He has still been spitting up a lot?" the doctor asked Elliot as she listened to the baby's heart beat with a stethoscope.

"Almost every time he eats. He seems like he is hungry all of the time, but when he eats it makes him sick. I know newborns cry a lot, but it seems like he cries all the time and usually he doesn't want anything."

"The reaction to the formula will cause gas and give him a belly ache. That can be terrible on little guys. Does he burp good after feedings?"

"Yea. Sometimes it takes a while to get him to burp, but I think he does alright. Do you think changing his formula will help?"

"You know, breast milk is best. It is natural and provides a lot more than any canned formula can give a baby. It helps them develop immunities better than manufactured formulas do. Sometimes it takes their little bodies longer to adjust and realize that it is food and not some foreign matter," she joked as she cooed at the baby, but Elliot and Olivia were not laughing.

"So what do we do?" Elliot asked.

"Well, since breast feeding is not an option in this case I will change his formula and see if that helps. Sometimes it just takes a little while to find one that works for them."

Olivia stood quiet in the back of the room fighting off tears and feeling so guilty.

"What if it was an option?" she asked softly as the doctor shifter her attention to her.

"And you are…?" the woman stared blankly at her.

"I'm his mother," Olivia replied.

"Oh, okay."

"Is it too late? To switch him to breast milk, I mean?"

"Well, do you still have milk?" the doctor asked.

Olivia could feel herself blush just a bit as she glanced at Elliot and gave a nod.

"Then it's not completely impossible. But if you are serious about this it is going to take some dedication and persistence on your part. You son has never been nursed. And it may be too late to get him to latch on at this point, but pumping breast milk for him is always an option. Are you sure this is something you want to do?"

"It will help him, right? It is better for him and it could help him with the spitting up so much?"

"It is better for him and he will definitely benefit from it. It should be easier for him to digest and it should help, but I can't say for sure that it will completely stop the acid reflux. Breastfeeding helps because breast milk is lighter than formulas. Nursing babies usually partake in lighter feedings more frequently and sometimes this helps. Did they show you how to nurse at the hospital when he was born?"

"No. I….no."

"That's not a problem," the doctor said with a smile sensing Olivia's hesitation to discuss the situation. "I can show you if you'd like. Work with you and Chase to see if we can get him to take to the breast. I can even give you a few pointers if you want. Sometimes it's a little rough starting out, I have three at home and nursed them all. I have some time now if you want to try."

Olivia drew a nervous breath and looked at her son.

"I do. I want to try this, for him."

She turned and looked back at Elliot.

"I don't think you need me standing around here making you nervous," he said squeezing her shoulder in support. "Take your time. I'll be in the waiting area if you need me."

He stepped out into the hall and couldn't help but smile. Olivia was really coming around to motherhood, but he had never expected anything like this to take place. Elliot walked down the hall and took a seat in the waiting room. He picked up a 'Parents' magazine and made himself comfortable.

"Try to relax," the doctor said in a calming voice as Olivia lowered herself into a chair. "And remember that he may not take to this at first, or he may not take to it at all. We might have to rely solely on a breast pump to express the milk and put it in bottles for him."

Olivia nodded, half confused by what the woman was telling her.

"I don't know much about any of this," she confessed.

"You don't have to do it this way," the doctor explained kneeling beside Olivia's chair. "We could just go straight to the pump. He already takes a bottle. But the nursing process can help strengthen the bond between mother and baby."

Olivia stared at her with dark eyes.

"I gave him up," she whispered. "I wasn't sure I was ready to be a mother and I gave him up. But I am sure now. I want to be a good mother, his mother. I want to do what is best for my baby. Please help me."

The doctor smiled, "of course."

It was nearly an hour later when Elliot raised his eyes from his magazine to see Olivia walk out with the baby carrier in her hands.

"How'd it go?" he asked standing to meet her.

"It…went."

"Did he…"

Olivia smiled.

"The term is latch on," she said softly as her eyes met his. "He did."

"That's great," he said watching as the woman behind the window handed Olivia a slip of paper. "He has a prescription?"

"It's for me," she said as they climbed in the car.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine," she exhaled. "It isn't a prescription. It is an herb that helps induce lactation."

Elliot looked at her as if she were speaking another language.

"It will help me to produce more milk for Chase. I also have to buy a breast pump."

"Ah, ok. So this is still something think you want to do?"

"I think I should at least give it a try. It is what's best for him."

Elliot smiled.

"I think what you are doing is amazing," he said with a nod. "What do you say I buy us some lunch, then we can go get the stuff you need?"

"Sounds great. And he should be good for a little while."

Elliot drove to one of their favorite little diners across town. After lunch he tucked Chase back into his car seat and buckled him into the back seat of the car.

"So where do we find a breast pump?" Elliot asked as he started the car.

"The doctor gave me the name of a baby store," she said pulling a small note from her pocket.

Elliot got a shopping cart and propped the baby carrier in the front of it. Olivia cooed at the infant as she pushed the cart around the store.

"While we are here," Elliot said looking over the large selection of diapers on the shelf until he found Chase's brand, "there we go."

"Oh, Elliot, look at the little overalls. They are so tiny. I think this is the cutest thing I have ever seen," she replied pulling them from the rack to inspect them. "And those little sleepers."

He watched as she dashed across the room and pulled a few outfits from the rack.

"This one has little frogs!"

Elliot smiled watching her make her way from rack to rack picking out baby clothes.

"Shopping for him is so much more fun than shopping for grown up clothes," Olivia replied dropping an arm full of clothing into the cart.

"You realize that in about two weeks he will have out grown half of this stuff, right?"

"Right, I should go up a size."

He laughed a little as she scooped up the little outfits and exchanged them for ones that were just a little bigger.

"Look, police cars," she said with a smile as she put the items in the cart.

Around the corner they stood looking at the selection of breast pumps.

"I wonder what the difference is," Olivia said out loud turning a box to look at the list of features.

Elliot stopped a very pregnant sales girl to ask for some advice.

"I would definitely recommend the double pump, it will do both sides at once and saves mommy time. How old is your little guy?" she asked gazing at the now sleeping baby in the seat.

"He is…." Elliot stopped to think for a moment.

"Sixteen days old," Olivia replied with a smile.

"He's beautiful. This will be my fourth," she said with a smile as she smoothed her hand over her belly. "Finally getting our little boy."

"Congratulations," Olivia said with a smile.

"I know I am supposed to pitch the more expensive products and get you to spend a lot of money in here. More expensive is supposed to be better, right? But I have breast fed with all of mine and will with Henry, as well. This is the one I have and it works great," she said pulling a box from the shelf and handing it to Olivia. "It has all of the same features the more expensive models have for about half the price. And let's face it when it comes to baby, there are so many other things you would rather spend the money on, right?"

"Thanks," Olivia said with a smile. "And good luck with baby Henry. She was a big help. You and I buying a breast pump, it's like the blind leading the blind in here. Maybe we should get a couple more of those books, there is so much we still don't know."

"We will figure it out," Elliot said smiling down at their son. "The three of us, together. I have a whole stack of these books at home you are welcome to read any time you'd like. And that pediatrician is really great. She came highly recommended on Angie's list."

"Who is Angie?" Liv asked.

Elliot laughed.

"It's this online thing where people leave reviews for doctors and contractors and plumbers, stuff like that. She was very highly recommended on that site, so I asked the doctor at the hospital about her and she helped set up our first appointment."

"She is really nice. And she seems great with him. It was really nice of her to take the time to help me with this nursing thing. Most pediatricians would have just sent me to someone else. She did recommend a lactation specialist that works for the hospital if I need any further assistance, but she also said that we are welcome to come back in any time if I have questions or concerns."

"There are people who specialize in lactation?"

"I know right?" Olivia laughed for a moment.

"Could you imagine declaring that as a major in college?"

She laughed again.

"In a million years would have ever imagined you and I standing in a baby store picking out a breast pump together?" she asked tilting her head to look him in the eye.

Elliot smiled.

"For _our_ son," he added.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what? From where I stand it seems I should be thanking you. You are the one who went through the pregnancy and carried him all those months. You're the one who protected him until he was big enough and strong enough to come out into this world. And you are the one who went through the pain of giving birth to him."

"That was awful," she confessed. "But totally worth it. He is so amazing. I want to thank you for giving me another chance to be in his life. And for taking such great care of him. I swear he is bigger just since I saw him yesterday."

Olivia leaned forward and picked Chase up from his carrier as he began to fuss.

"Last night, when I got up to feed him I was sitting here in the dark just watching him as he fell back to sleep. I was thinking that very same thing. Thinking back how tiny he was when I first brought him home. He is already growing so fast…"

Elliot paused for a moment and just watched her with the baby. She cradled him lovingly in her arms and whispered softly to the little boy as she smiled down at him. Chase quieted his cries and opened his little eyes wide to focus his attention on his mother as he grunted.

"I don't want you to miss out on any of it," he said as she raised her eyes to look at him. "I was thinking… if you wanted to, we could just take things slow and see how it goes of course. But you're his mother and you deserve a place in his life. He needs you in his life. And I want you to be there."

"I want to be," she said with a smile.

"I know you are still kind of uneasy around him, but you do just fine. And the more you get to know him and he gets to know you, I am sure most of this stuff will start to come more naturally to us all. I think we should just take things one day at a time. The three of us, together, as a family."

Olivia stared at him for a moment with tears in her eyes.

"Do you really think we could be a family?"

Elliot smiled at the sight of her holding their newborn and kissed her forehead.

"We already are," he whispered.


End file.
